Loneliness is a common feeling, but everyone’s experiences of loneliness are different and unique to them. For queer folks, the shape of loneliness is vastly different from their cis-het counterparts. This loneliness can stem from a variety of factors, such as feeling disconnected from family, or challenges in finding people to confide in and connect with in a meaningful way. LGBTQ+ people are also more likely to face discrimination due to their sexual orientation and/or gender identity, which can lead to feelings of isolation and difficulties getting close to other people.
One initial reason is that LGBTQ+ people are less likely than straight and cisgender people to have the types of ‘built-in’ relationships that come from family, school or college friends, or even current colleagues. Many do these days, but many continue to be estranged or distant from old family and friends who struggle with their gender and sexuality. Others don’t feel very comfortable hanging out with people whose assumptions and conversations are always focused on a heteronormative life.
When we recognize that coming out is a difficult journey for many people, we can see the layers of loneliness that can exist within the queer experience. The effects of loneliness are undeniable. Queer people have often had to figure out who they are alone. There’s a nagging feeling that even if you’re close to someone, they may not be seeing the “whole you” - they may not be connecting with the most vulnerable part of you.
Loneliness can still be a problem because the visible queer community revolves around specific types of socializing that don’t work for everyone and aren’t always conducive to meeting like-minded people or forging deeper relationships, such as pubs, clubs, and parties, or meeting people on sex or dating apps. These can be difficult if one doesn’t drink, have difficulty with noise, mobility, or staying up late, or aren’t looking for erotic/romantic relationships.
Social support and close relationships are significant protective factors against both physical and mental health issues. Loneliness has been associated with poor mental and physical health in study after study. Queer loneliness is such a different experience for each and every member in the community, we cannot look at loneliness through a separate lens by excluding other factors that further marginalises them.
Sometimes queer communities and events can also make someone feel lonely and alone due to further marginalisation. For a muslim asexual woman these community gatherings would feel very different than a hindu gay man. This is because loneliness also includes various factors and when viewed through an intersectional lens and social justice lens one could truly try to understand that person. Hiding a part of yourself in various situations is one of the leading causes of poor wellbeing among queer young people, and loneliness is a contributing factor.
